Along Lent's Journey

I had great expectations for Lent. Among those thoughts were lots of free time leisurely reading and large expanses of time in which to get lost in the goodness of God. Alas, it has not exactly gone that way. I struggle to maintain my Lenten discipline and those free moments have been few and far between.

But, as a result, my view of holiness has changed. As I was pondering a sermon on freedom today, one of the strains of thought emphasized how we can become bound by too much freedom. In truth, I have always been that way. In the absence of expectations, I become restless and selfish; I lose my focus and zeal and wallow in anxiety. However, given too much on my plate, my joy is eroded and I feel tapped out. So, my lenten journey has inevitably arrived at the question of balance.

As with all good things in life, there has to be some balance and boundaries. And, I find that holiness is found there in that delicate balance. Whereas I once envisioned holiness to be found in seclusion and separation, I now find it when two or three are gathered in His name. My desire for God now grows both in fellowship and in quiet time. My awareness of God's presence is heightened in my son's laughter and my observance of animals at play. I pray to mature in mysticism and spiritual maturity: to know peace in all things, to share joy with all, and to endure suffering in hope. I pray to find my foundation in the simplest of things, deep within the beauty that joins us all.

For my children, lost but not forgotten 2-11-08

Saral Noel Blaylock

Rachel Ayla Blaylock

Noah Gabriel Blaylock

Dear Sarah, Rachel, and Noah,

It is hard to believe that five years have passed since I held you in my arms. What a brief but blessed time that was. How strange it is that such crucial moments in our lives seem to transcend time. It is the same with your presence now as it was then: you are nestled safely in my heart and continue to animate every good thing I do.

It is you, my three special babies, who taught me how to love more fully than ever before. You stretched the limits of my being and when you left this earth I felt so excruciatingly empty. But, our dear Lord has tempered that loss with great joys in your father and brother, great zeal for this life that once seemed so hard to live. And, now, I am happily pursuing a place in ministry so that I may continue to share the wordless joy that you three gave to me four years ago.

To say that I miss you now seems only trite. I still long for you; I still hear whispers of your laughter; I catch glimpses of your smiles in earthly faces; I feel your movement in my deepest yearnings. I am grateful, perhaps now more than ever, for my faith. It is my faith which sustains this earthly journey and somehow assures me that our spirits will meet again. I would be lost without that faith, without that hope.

The gentle nudge of your spirits remain close to me; I never fail to listen though it is often painful. Be patient with my sorrow; I appreciate your closeness to our God and will join you in proper time.

Stay in the light, in the bosom of our Lord, my sweet children. Know that you are loved, missed and forever cherished.

Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mama

http://surprisedbyjoy.blogspot.com/2006/02/in-memoriam.html
http://surprisedbyjoy.blogspot.com/2005/02/letter-to-my-precious-three.html

Ash Wednesday

I used to avoid the Ash Wednesday services. Perhaps not consciously, but they never particularly interested me. I guess when you are not into the partying mentality of carnivale, then the Lenten fast holds little value.

However, this year I am trying to approach it differently. The older I get the more I realize how much I have and how much I take for granted. I remember lying in the hospital after losing our triplets, still unable to have regular foods, thinking that I would never take a simple thing like having a coffee and doughnut for granted. And, yet, I do. So, I am forsaking much of the novelty of eating for forty days in the hopes of appreciating and better cultivating my abundance.

I've come to appreciate the seasons of life and liturgy. There is some truth in realizing that those delicious licorice jelly beans of Easter taste so much better when you haven't had them in a while.


So, like the cocoon from which the butterly emerges, I pray to emerge from Lent with a fresher, truer perspective.